My brain hurts!
It’s Monday already, Christmas is over a month ago and I am eagerly awaiting spring…shame that there’s snow forecast for midweek, hey ho.
Still, from my laptop I can write myself anywhere, hot or cold so I can’t really complain.
The last week has been interesting. I have been looking inwards to answer some questions to help my OCD to diminish further.
I had to determine whether the OCD came from a guilt base or a shame base for my therapist. We’ve tackled guilt before, the guilt that I couldn’t make the bad situations vanish or resolve them to my satifaction but there was still “something” lurking in the back of my mind, and that undefined something was helping the OCD rituals to hang around, albeit in their less aggressive form.
I deliberated, cogitated, banged my head on a brick wall (kidding!) and finally settled on shame. It’s a subconcious rather than conscious feeling.
I go about each day getting on with my life,not beating myself up about the past too much BUT obviously my self concious was holding me back from the freedom to have peace of mind restored.
OCD is protecting yourself, therefore I was and am still protecting me from the past, the shame and the fear of the future.
Here’s the good news…It’s fixable, with effort, a whole ton of effort!
I have now embarked on the tricky journey of reprogramming my brain to accept that the events of the past were dealt with by me to the best of my abilities and that the situations were beyond my control (short of time travel and mind control devices) so that I have the chance to make peace with myself conciously and suconsciously.
All the introspection over the last couple of years has made me discover who I really am and not the person who tried to people please or be as someone else expected, at my own risk. It’s not always easy but it is soul building and spirit enhancing.
Meanwhile, I am still writing a lot and it never ceases to amaze me that inspiration keeps on coming from the ether. Grateful too.
I have just finished reading a book written by the Queen’s cousin, Margaret Rhodes, it was a friendly flowing read, War and Peace is ongoing and I have discovered a 1935 murder mystery, The Cornish Coast Murder by John Bude which is intriguing, the question is…whodunnit?!
Have a fab week and Happy Australia Day.
Posted on January 26, 2015, in help, Mental health, O.C.D and tagged anxiety, book, confidence, forgive, guilt, mental health, OCD, overcome the past, self discovery, self help, shame. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.