Monthly Archives: October 2014
I have spent time this morning challenging my O.C.D. rituals, you know, the soaping and the needing to feel safe and clean stuff that arrived with the PTSD, well I had to pluck up courage and fire bullet holes in to a few rituals knowing that it would set off my anxiety.
It isn’t easy but what I’ve learned as I’ve been doing this over the last year or so with the help of a fab therapist is that people are stronger than they think, I am stronger than I thought.
Each and every time I vanquish a ritual I have to let the anxiety throw a fit in my brain and ignore it and not give in to it’s fear and by facing the fear of what might happen if I don’t do a particular ritual I can free myself a bit more from the metaphorical quicksand. Freedom should never be underrated.
So, having tortured myself for medical purposes and feeling pleased that the horrible bit of the day is over – except for the last remnants of my anxiety jumping around in my head – I am going to start writing for the afternoon, the perfect antidote to all ills.
I wrote this haiku earlier to bouy me up, hope you like it!
Twigs crack, snap and fall
Branches severed by high winds
Trunk feels all, fights on
Have a fab day and remember, you are stronger than you think!
I seem to have been here, there and everywhere lately!
Last week I set about completing all the tasks on my to do list that needed appointments, my incentive being that last week was warm and sunny and now autumn has arrived so it was better and wiser to do things early.
So, among others, I saw my hairdresser – felt so much better for having my hair done.I went to the dentist for a check up – for the first time in ages as my OCD wouldn’t let me go for a couple of years because it was scared of what might happen – and as a reward I also indulged in a little bit of retail therapy. Well, it would’ve been mean not to!!
This will sound the oddest thing to a non OCD/PTSDer but last week also marked the first time in a few years when I’d gone out for three days. These illnesses and their associated fear can keep you indoors and it was liberating to just say “no, not going with any fear, I need to do these job and I AM going to do them.” And I did!!
The real world and I saw a lot of each other and I got the last of the summerish weather. What’s not to love?
Meanwhile, the writing continues, although I think that I am going to have to record a message to myself!!!
Let me explain.
Whenever I finish a piece I start to think about what to do next, this leads to me somehow worrying that nothing will come to me or that of the ideas that do come up I’ll pick the wrong one and tell myself off for not picking one of the other ideas.
Ah, that little brain cell voice does like to natter on, doesn’t it?!
The message would be something like this: “You spent time wondering and this morning you woke up with a great idea to work with that hadn’t occured to you yesterday. The other pieces will get written if you want them to, just not now. CHILL!!!”
It’s a fact that the last few ideas that have appeared have been stronger than my previous days options and I’ve set to work on this new arrival first and eagerly.
Also, whilst inspiration can’t be taken for granted and it needs a nudge, fretting really is a pointless exercise!!
Have fun, I’m off to write another (hopeful) masterpiece!! 😉